but not really. come on now.

I almost forgot how much fun it is to meet new people, which I haven't done in quite some time. I get along with strangers better than many other people, and while I have to admit sometimes it is very draining emotionally and psychologically to socialize with an entirely new person or group, it can be really enjoyable if you spin it the right way.

also, I almost forgot what it was like to be the object of someone's desire. there is absolutely no way in hell I will expand on what brings this up all of a sudden, but just know that it is still nice to be wanted. let's leave it at that.

tomorrow starts my return to the gym. now that I don't have school and I am wrapping up my work at Mission, I need to start getting back at it. I won't resume training with Chris for quite some time, so I am hoping that when I get back to him, I will not look like the same person that began with him four months ago. did I mention I have a personal trainer? yeah.

I guess the same person that motivated me to post this 2007 starter is the same person that prompted me to retool my gym and nutritional goals. I am by no means attracted to this young man, although let's face it, he is adorable and I am sure he gets female attention wherever he goes. you would be so surprised too -- you mean there is a decent-looking tall goofy-looking white guy out there that Monica isn't hot for??? yes, my friends, believe it. but meeting him made me stop to think. I mean, let's face it: I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with my wonderfully flawed yet fabulously not-for-me boys, i.e. Big D or the Kevolution, which means that somewhere out there at some time there is someone that I will be falling in love with and commiting myself to -- which consequently also means that I really need to work on what I look like on the outside so I can finally focus on who I am on the inside. cheezy, no? but so true. SO true.

this morning, promptly after quitting my latest temp assignment (I worked a world record one day at that place), I met up with my gym buddy Krysta. it's always awesome to meet her at the gym. like I was telling Martha yesterday, I'm so unmotivated to get up early and do anything in the morning, let alone get to the gym. but it feels great to be accountable to someone. I found Krysta through Exercise Friends, this website I signed up for looooong ago when I had first considered giving weight loss a try. so even though this weekend set me completely off track in terms of regular gym-going, it was nice to meet up with my friend again this morning. :) Robyn text messaged me a little bit ago to see if I wanted to go to the gym after class (that would be about 10pm-ish). I said maaaybe. don't know if I am ready for 2 a days like Alex and KJ have done and been doing lately... craziness!

I'm taking Krysta to the salsa aerobics class in Laguna Hills that Candace and Pamela swear by tomorrow night. I keep forgetting that Krysta now goes to Cal State Long Beach and not Saddleback anymore. :( but thankfully she only has classes two days a week and they run all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I guess I'm the one now who has the more difficult schedule to accommodate :)

in the meantime, before I start any kind of job I am trying to motivate myself to start 2 a days. sigh. I just want to get a grasp of how hard school is going to be this semester. I am planning to spend a lot more time on campus in order to (a) avoid traffic as much as humanly possible, which didn't happen today cuz I fell asleep after lunch, and (b) actually DO my reading. sheesh. we'll see. hehe. :)

although I have been just terrible this weekend about everything, I see two positives coming out of it: one, I know that I screwed up, I do feel bad about it and I am trying to see how I can avoid these lapses in the future; and two, I didn't eat as much as I usually am able to. it is starting to hurt more and more -- both in my stomach and migraine-like headaches -- when I eat too much, and I am growing more dependent upon the smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day, which is good. I have been drinking a RIDICULOUS amount of water, so that is always good. cigarette consumption, on the other hand, still not good. but I would really like to work on that... especially now that school is starting tomorrow :(

speaking of school starting, I can't write here too long right now. I want to get more pages of my scrapbook done before Martha and I take off for Disneyland later. it's like my last respite of the summer. and although I will be drinking in DCA (duh!), I will try my best not to eat disgustingly. :)

I used to think I had enough willpower and mental fortitude to be able to get over anything, including stupid little stress slumps that make me too cerebral and not physical enough.

today I returned to my old middle school, my old stomping grounds, the hallowed area where I forged treasured relationships with students, staff and teachers alike, where I finally discovered my roots as a manager and organizer, motivator and team leader, educator and role model, all in one. what I was not prepared for was this onslaught of terrifyingly sad emotions... the quad area, the OCS courtyard, the horseshoe driveway... it all brought everything back to that fateful day, the last day I would ever be allowed to step foot on campus again. nobody to blame but myself. I didn't give a shit that I was fired. I did, however, give a shit that I was banned.

but it was great to see a couple of my girls again, and Anne, who had a job interview earlier in the day which hopefully went really well. and then of course there was Chi. what the fuck? I totally don't need friends like that right now. first it was Mark. now her? either she's not over what happened on New Years or she just flat out doesn't care to associate with me. either way, whatever. Dad has completely lost his strength and appetite. Grandma's gonna start dialysis in less than a month, and guess who has to go to class with her and take her however often her schedule permits? guess whose brother's health is so rapidly deteriorating that he can't even enjoy simply walking anymore? guess who has $13.72 in the checking account? guess who applied for 10 jobs last week and has NOT heard back from one? guess who hasn't passed enough of the math subject tests to get an intern credential? and guess who won't get her teaching credential if she can't pass the next CSET administration?

whose blog is this again?

so yeah, it helps to not surround myself with judgmental people. or even worse, people that you think are your friend, or even like a sister to you, only to have them turn their back on you because you happen to live in south Orange County instead of central or north. interesting.

I guess over the past weekend I have come to the understanding that if someone wants to be your friend, then consequently they care about you, and they will in some way shape or form show it. even if it is not on a consistent basis. people who fit the bill: Kevin. Porsha. David Liu. Peter Rich. my girls (the Weavers of Satirical Truth, you know who are bitches). and many, many others whom I have dearly taken for granted at times. but in seeing that I have surrounded myself with emotionally shallow and psychologically immature people (not ALL, mind you, but many fit the description, shall we say) who cannot handle the pressures of a friendship with me (and come on... is it really THAT bad people??), then, I say to you, good riddance!

what does this have to do with the diet, mind you? ah yes. anywho... I went completely off track this weekend and got too sneezy/allergy-ridden tonight to be able to get my ass out to the gym. then I was supposed to get out for some late night bowling with the crew, but again -- friends? I haven't been able to give some people a fair chance since I got back from Europe... and other people have really proven themselves to just out and out RAWK (that's for you, Miss Anne and Matty!!) unfortunately I couldn't stop sneezing for a good two hours so I tried to take some medication to knock my fat ass out. hence, no bowling and no gym. :( buuuut I promise I am going to work out tomorrow morning right after my job interview... yaaaaay (say it with me now, but with mooooore sarcasm). it isn't that I don't want to work, per se -- it's just the one job I applied for that I really didn't care to hear back from. oh well that makes no sense, but cosmically, trust me, it does.

no I am not giving up... haha I know it's been like 48 hours...

but I went to the gym yesterday to meet Krysta (my fabulous, beautiful gym partner) but alas she has been starting up a jogging routine with her dad and I figured that she would still be sore/tired from it... and turns out she was. I even forgot my iPod, BOOOOO!! but I exerted slightly less effort on the elliptical, and actually lifted some weights, which felt great! -- although I am not sure I did enough, but it's ok for the first time in months...

today Alvin is off so I'm hanging out with him and resting up and we're probably gonna kick it and drink later tonite. tomorrow I am SO going back to the gym (either a class or just free cardio/weights again, we'll see what the mood strikes) before I conduct mass cleaning of my room. this weekend needs to be absolutely productive in terms of cleaning and finishing my summer masters project... hmm.

tomorrow is also Teresa's bday in Corona, so... haha I think they are having it catered by Buca di Beppo. evil evil evil!!! and, if her husband Ryan hasn't changed, and I'm sure he hasn't, drinks will be free flowing all night long. I'm kind of excited, but also kind of tentative about it all... diets just do not fit my socially active lifestyle... hehehehe ;)

I loved being there, and it felt great... but now it hurts, and yet I still keep coming back for more. oh you evil evil organization. don't get me wrong -- it felt great to be back in the gym after an over two-month hiatus. but the one mistake I made was trying to get right back into good ol' HIIT just as I was before I left for Europe... baaaad idea. I guess I took for granted before how much HIIT cardio / spinning were really affecting my endurance and maximum intensity. I was only on the elliptical for 40 minutes and I started to feel dizzy towards the end. no bueno. before I left I could go for 60 minutes HIIT and no problem. ugh. back to square one I suppose.

I woke up a lot later today than I wanted. it's not like I actually have anything to do today, but I wanted to get an early start on the gym so I could work on some more job searching and perhaps start some of my Europe scrapbook. oh well. but I did make it to the gym... yay! 40 minutes total elliptical, the machine *says* I burned around 430 cals. not bad. I'm so used to the 500-600 range though. again, need to work back up there. before I went to the gym I had some Honey Bunches of Oats with 2% milk... jeez I love that stuff. it says it's a good source of whole grains but I am just hoping it is not an overload of crap sugar. when I returned from the gym I had two small slices of Mom's meat loaf (yay protein!), about 1/2 cup of white rice and a big ol' bowl of romaine hearts with 2 tbsps of my lovely lovely honey mustard dressing. I think I can go less on the dressing next time though.

I have been drinking water all day and I have to say that it feels pretty good :) -- also for the first time in a WHILE I did not smoke after the gym. not a bad start. I took advantage of going to the MV 24 Hr by also stopping by the Ranch Market to buy more veggies. I also read somewhere that drinking 1 tsp of apple cider vinegar diluted in 8 oz of water right before bed would be good to try. hmm, it can't hurt. I also invested in some cheap whole wheat pitas. mmm. I am debating whether or not I can wait until Christmas to buy Alvin his food processor...

it is EXACTLY seven months until my 26th birthday, and I feel that I have managed to pinpoint the source of my growing unhappiness.

when I was younger I didn't really care about too much about my physique. I would not categorize the changes my body has undergone between my basketball days as a high school freshman and 10 years later as overtly dramatic. but I suppose this is a normal source of depression for young adults, particularly young women who find that they are more or less plagued by the desire to change something in their daily lives.

I can honestly assert two things about this major decision: (1) I still harbor no desire whatsoever to improve my appearance for any sort of external reasons; this means, simply, that I'm not doing what I need to do in order to please some raging desire in my heart to start dating again. that is not for me. I am perfectly happy being single. (well, maybe not perfectly, but you get the idea.) and of course, (2) I am well aware that this will entail a HUUUGE lifestyle change, but at the core of me I will not change who I am and what I love; what that means exactly is that I desperately need to learn moderation. more to follow on that statement.

hence, the dramatic renaming and refocus of this blog. (I considered keeping this as my personal blog, in addition to maintaining a trip blog as well as adding a physical blog, but I figure, if I need to make such a dramatic change in my life and habits, why not integrate?) I figure, I can't live my life without the internet, but I can't afford a fancy schmancy journal/food diary or whatever it is the kids use these days, so I chose this. it should suffice for the time being...

I have been doing some research on how to start a weight loss program (at least on the motivational aspect), and the first thing everyone says to do -- besides consult your doctor, which is not practical for me considering the non-existence of my health insurance -- is to take down all aspects of my starting point. so *sigh* as embarrassing as this may seem, here are the stats. (but no pictures, bitches. that's... well, too weird.)

Height: 68.75"
Weight*: 220 lbs
Bicep / Arm: 14"
Bust**: 38"
Upper Abdomen: 42.5"
Waist: 45"
Hips: 47.5"
Thigh: 27"

* this is according to our ghetto scale, which I suppose I will have to rely upon for the purposes of this home-based weight loss program. measured at doctors' offices I range from 210-215, but we're going for broke here.

** I measure under my chest, like a bra fitting, not like a dress fitting. how sad is that number anyway!

to be perfectly honest, seeing these numbers is depressing. (damn... I'm not even as tall as I thought I was! haha!) but, it's a requisite part of this change. I have not yet decided if I will post a food journal on here; maybe a loose summary of one will suffice, or maybe even a weekly food journal would be cool. we'll see.

Top Five Goals: Week 1

1. do NOT cut out the gym, for WHATEVER reason. dancing around at home and walking up and down the stairs twice instead of once doesn't count. I live literally like five minutes from my nearest 24 Hour Fitness. the next nearest one is maybe seven minutes.

2. drink more water. I'm not a big drinker (of water, that is)... and I have noticed how I fare much better whenever I consciously try to drink more. I need to have a bottle with me at all times.

3. cut back on the alcohol. particularly the beer... ouch. this one will be a toughie but I am determined NOT to TOTALLY cut it out of my diet. or if I do wind up in that situation, I just need to refer to #2.

4. limit myself to two cigs a day. again, I am not planning at this stage to go completely cold turkey... that would be unreasonable. but at least I can tame down the smoking.

and 5. MAINTAIN DISCIPLINE THROUGH THIS BLOG!! I'll be updating daily, with major sentiments/details every Wednesday, and new measurements probably every 3-4 weeks.

alright people... and here we go, starting here, starting now.

Your Birthdate: March 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you. It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy! You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around. But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long. Your strength: Your superstar charisma Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you Your power color: Fuchsia Your power symbol: Diamond Your power month: May

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

(title is referenced from previous post. get with the program people.)

it isn't that I am unhappy here in "the OC," but rather, dissatisfied seems to be the buzz word of the moment. there are the cornerstones of my existence, i.e. my best friend Martha and of course my wonderful family, but I don't feel that I belong here at all. for starters, moving back to Mission Viejo made me feel like I was regressing in my maturation as an adult. I felt that up north I finally became someone that I was content with -- the real me. whatever that means, I suppose. but whatever meaning you derive from that statement, just know that whoever I had become while in Berkeley, I really started to like. I had friends from all walks and talks of life and I truly was growing into my own.

then graduation happened, and I moved back here... and what happened? I have a loosely strung-together confederation of friends that I can barely call 'my core group.' that doesn't exist anymore. nobody experienced the same sense of retreat and reversal from college that I did. I was suddenly thrust into a world of southern California school-age education and I didn't like it. sure, I love my students, and always will -- those bonds that have been forged can never easily be brushed aside. but I don't have that central crew -- the young ladies and gentlemen that you depend upon when you just need an escape, or a good dirty laugh, or even just a hug. so the new friends (for the most part, definitely not all) turned out to be a bust. and what about the old friends? they've all moved on with their lives, grown up, shipped out, turned a new leaf called "adulthood." marriage, commitment to significant others and school obligations, geography, goals in life, and just overall maturity have served as fairly sufficient roadblocks to reestablishing that old "here's my peeps" mentality. even what I once considered a lifelong love for someone just isn't the same anymore.

I am thus forced to reevaluate: am I a bad friend? do I need to do some more growing up before I have the right to complain? has Dad's situation really put me in a kind of unapproachable funk? I dislike metacognitive discussion, but sometimes when you are in a hole you gotta do whatcha gotta do.

I'm not the kind of confrontational afterschool-special-character type person that can effectively and peacefully face these issues one-on-one. what am I supposed to say? "are you still my friend, 'cause it sure don't seem like it." "do I live too far for you to give me any consideration?" "are we so far removed from one another that we can't be friends again?" "am I comporting myself in some repulsive, embarrassing manner that is causing you to reject me?"

man, these questions are sad. I'm sad.

I can barely believe that the same person who posted that previous posting is the same person sitting here today. how the hell did that come out of me? sometimes even I am amazed, slightly ashamed, and maybe even a bit surprised at the power of my own writing. why was I so mad at him? I suppose I'll never know. it's vaguely reassuring, nonetheless, to know that whatever prompted me to unleash a tirade of hatred and bitterness towards *him* right before leaving the continent, was left way, way behind. if only there were some way to communicate that to him now. I have no doubt that, through the appropriately inappropriate channels, that random bulletin posting was somehow communicated to him, offhandedly and in summary if not directly in print. I don't regret what I wrote -- I meant every word of it, as it were; perhaps in not such passionate prose, but I feel more proud to have gotten it out than remorseful at having published it at all -- but I do regret the way things turned out between us, probably about 50% of that being my fault nevertheless.

and believe me, nothing tastes more bitter to the palate than regret. trust me on that one, I know. our entire relationship was based on it, from start to finish.

will write more later, when I can. hopefully will contain more optimistic subject matter.

(taken from one of my infamous Myspace rant bulletins... enjoy!)

Date: Jun 5, 2006 10:51 PM
Subject: to the biggest effing scumbag in my life

he is thankfully not on Myspace but I want to get this off my chest before I take off for the summer:

you are probably wondering what mysterious force drove me to generate all this hostility towards you.

you are a coward. you are a horrible excuse of a friend. you may not be a pig, or a huge asshole, because I know deep down in your heart of hearts that you are one of the kindest, greatest people out there. so why did you treat me like this?

you used to call me one of your close friends. I call bullshit on that. friends actually care for one another; they call, or e-mail, or text message, or IM, hell, they even relay messages to each other through other people if possible. you, you're so wrapped up in what you think is such a difficult life that you couldn't care less whether I lived or died.

then for you to have the balls, every time we see each other, to demand a hug and acknowledgement? you have GOT to be kidding. you haven't done anything of the sort to me in FIVE MONTHS so what more do you expect from me??? a RIDE, of all things? yeah, I hope you knew to drive separately because I didn't want to haul your sorry drunk ass anywhere.

yeah I'm a bitch. yeah I can be melodramatic. but believe me, this could all have been circumvented by you. I don't believe anything you said for one second: that you wanted to call me, that you wanted us to kick it this summer, but OMG! "I had no idea you were going to Europe until tonight." well? again, whose fault was that?? did you honestly think your drunken flirty actions with that other girl in the bed with you were making me jealous? for once in my life I can honestly say I was more disgusted than anything else. get a grip. then for you to tell MY friend about finding "the one" and such after I tell you about MY plans to get married? what are you trying to do to me???

I loved you so much. I loved you so much it was almost unbelievable how much I felt for you. when I realized we weren't meant to be romantically involved, I loved you even more, because you were much more precious to me as a great friend and good person. why did you have to disprove me on both assertions?

you didn't break my heart because you rejected me as a girlfriend. you shattered my heart into a million pieces because after that, you didn't even have the human decency to follow up on your promises of friendship, promises that I so looked forward to and tried desperately to foster and accommodate.

and even up to now, as I write this to no one in particular, I find myself wondering, what are you doing at this moment? are you thinking about me? about us? I'm a sick, sick woman. the thought of describing this as being truly in love makes me nauseous. but on the other hand, the notion of losing you forever makes me want to die.

I hate you. but I can't sign off without saying something stupid like "have a nice life" or "take care of our kids for us" because I absolutely mean both things. how sad of me. how come YOU were able to let go so easily? that's incredibly unfair. but again, I'm so easily deluded and erroneous in perception...

since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time.
-- kelly clarkson

~I'm Free~
Author Unknown

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free;
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took The hand when I heard the call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow;
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me;
God wanted me now, and set me free.

* * * * *

The Stages of Grieving


1) Shock
Immediately following the death, it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of disbelief. During those first days there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch.

2) Emotional Release
The awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief.
In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably.

3) Panic
For some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, and headaches.

4) Guilt
At this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn’t happen.

5) Hostility
Some individuals feel anger at what “caused” the loss.

6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities
The ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person’s entire being – emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience.

7) Reconciliation of Grief
Balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different.

8) Hope
The sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories.

* * * * *

people living deeply have no fear of death.
-- anais nin

no one's death comes to pass without making some impression, and those close to the deceased inherit part of the liberated soul and become richer in their humaneness.
-- hermann broch

we sometimes congratulate ourselves at the moment of waking from a troubled dream; it may be so the moment after death.
-- nathaniel hawthorne

* * * * *

dealing with the news, in conjunction with my own recent daily struggles, hasn't been easy at all. like I mentioned to my best friends last night, I would be torn up whenever friends of mine were speechless or just didn't know what to say while I was grieving. a part of me wanted to scream, what the hell, just say f*cking something already! but in this eleventh hour, in attempting to formulate the appropriate words, to tell someone whom I have loved more than anything but have more often than not opted not to express it, I find more empathy than ever before for those friends who knew not what to say. I don't have anything to say, I don't have the words that will come out right. everything I can think of sounds so trite and random. so what do you do? all my thoughts go out to the family, especially to him, and my heart remains melancholy.

* * * * *

I already touched upon the subject of medical marijuana briefly with Dad, to which he vehemently said NO. understandable, I suppose, when it's been consumed in your family for decades.

when anyone else gets a fever, it's typically a sign of some form of infection, whether mild, moderate or severe. the body's natural defenses begin to attack the problem, thereby intensifying the body's temperature. however, when chemotherapy patients get a fever, it is called neutropenic fever, which indicates a condition called febrile neutropenia, or lowered white blood cell count. in English, that means that if Dad gets a fever, we have to rush him straight to the hospital for immediate treatment, and even on occasion overnight observation. this has happened twice since he has begun the harsher chemo regimen.

additional symptoms that Dad never had before, but are beginning to develop: sudden nausea, thus requiring the infamous Liz-donated bucket to be brought each time; violent chills, an allergic or hypersensitive reaction, and increasing amounts of hair loss.

I have often considered seeking out support groups for families of cancer patients, but I have never fared so well in arenas full of strangers. not that I don't get along with people, but sometimes people just... well, to be frank, piss me off. if I can't handle southern California drivers on the road, how would I be able to stand the emotional distress and overreactions of complete strangers -- albeit in the same boat, but still, not really? it's a strangely permeating thought. it's actually why I haven't considered investing in Weight Watchers meetings, which have proven to be nothing but successful for many friends of mine. I was reading an article at lunch today in O Magazine about successful weight loss. but again, as was advised on the latest installment of VH1's Celebrity Fit Club 3, sometimes it isn't always the perfect time to be losing weight.

unfortunately I look back on the past few years and realize that although I may have managed to get my life somewhat back on track after graduation, this weight loss/fitness journey of mine should have come looong before Dad got sick. I'm not entirely too sure what I can pin all my recent motivation on -- getting fired, perhaps, or maybe the pressure of turning 25, it could even be just to get generally healthy in the wake of Dad's illness -- whatever the real reason is, I thank God every day that it did come to me.

to all cancer patients, their families, as well as all the big beautiful ladies out there living, loving, laughing and learning proudly and boldly as they should -- here's to the first step...

thanks CC for this post idea. :o)

Seven things I want to do before I die:
1. Live in a foreign country for at least a year or so, preferably teaching English or something
2. Get my MD and do something like Doctors Without Borders
3. Help to open a public charter school in the Bay Area
4. Have at least one son, either naturally or through adoption
5. Get down to a smaller dress size
6. Live in the Bay Area again
7. I agree... Get married!

Seven things I can do:
1. Drive 250 yds on a good windy day, with the bounce, and a wide open fairway
2. Type over 100 words per minute
3. Make an AMAZING chocolate mocha cake -- only for special SPECIAL occasions however
4. Understand Spanish and Tagalog
5. Drink many people under the table -- but not everyone
6. Speak before many, many people about pretty much anything
7. Name at least two players on every NFL and NBA team.

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Blow bubbles with bubble gum (or any gum for that matter)
2. Cartwheels / hand or headstands
3. Physics or History
4. Bake any dessert that doesn't come from a box (besides my cake of course)
5. Deal with dislocated joints / bones (there goes my medical career)
6. Control my right eye twitch whenever I eat
7. Compromise who I am just for the sake of having a significant other

Seven things I say a lot:
1. OMG
2. what.the.fock!
3. what? (usually in a condescending context)
4. I AM looking for a new job!
5. seriously.
6. curse words intertwined into random conversation, i.e. "I don't understand what the fuck is going on," or "Why should I give a shit?"
7. you know what I'm saying? (even in formal situations. God, I need help, and fast!)

Seven things I find attractive in a male:
1. Height. This is an absolute requirement.
2. Sense of humor.
3. Respect for self and others.
4. Flexibility / Spontaneity.
5. Prioritization, i.e. "I know where I'm going in life, I have a plan, and I have goals."
6. Sense of family/friend closeness.
7. Intelligence... last, and certainly not least.

Seven celebrity crushes?
... in no particular order ...

1. Ben Roethlisberger


2. Clive Owen


3. Tim Duncan


4. Julian McMahon


5. Phil Mickelson


6. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers


7. Harrison Ford

(thanks to my girl Taryn for the myspace post :o)
LOVE or iNFATUATiON

Infatuation is instant desire-one set of glands calling to another.

Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes roots and grows, one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, bits&pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding of imperfection. It is real. You are warmed by her presence, even when he/she's away. You want them near, but near or far you know she is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation says,"We must get married right away, I can`t risk losing him/her."

Love says, "Be patient. He/She's yours." Plan your future with confidence.

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can become lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she`s away you wonder if they're cheating.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure&unthreatened.

Infatuation might lead you to things you`ll regret later, but love never will.

Love lifts you up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

* * * * *

23 Reasons Why I Probably Belong in the Crazy House.

I miss hearing your voice, the playful baritone that perfectly matches your every facial expression.
I miss the banter, the easygoing back-and-forth and tit-for-tat and I miss the way you'd shake your head at me whenever you thought I wasn't looking.
I miss how I was always looking.
I miss our verbal headbutting, and how we would fight, but it wasn't really fighting, because it was always me taking shit out on you and you dealing with me and me still lashing out at you and you showing me humane patience by occasionally leaving me and me feeling just that much more empty because you were gone and you treating me like a queen still and me still loving you.
I miss recalling how we first met; were you scared of me, I asked, did you think we would ever make the next Homer and Marge, Fred and Ginger, George and Gracie, Lucy and Ricky, Harold and Maude, Regis and Kelly, Beyonce and Jay-Z; was I laughing at you instead of with you, you asked, did I ever think that we would ever make the next Tim and Susan, Barbara and Hugh, Tina and Ike, Hillary and Bill, Sonny and Cher, Zack and Kelly, Romeo and Juliet?
I miss completing each other's sentences, each other's thoughts, each other's laughs.
I miss the text message conversations and lengthy phone chats and random notes left.
I miss the ridiculousness of our shared innunendo. consequently, I miss how we denied everything up until the very end.
I miss leaning up against you, and how when I put my arm through yours you would take my hand.
I miss how whenever something terrible happened to me, you'd leave me with a parting pat on my back and somehow that would make everything right with the world.
I miss being able to tell you anything (with the exception of bullshit like this), and how you made me a better, more honest individual.
I miss figuring out what our children would look/be like.
I miss the comfort and safety of hanging out with you whenever we all went out as a big group. I miss having people look in our general direction because we were so at ease with one another.
I miss catching you checking me out in the side of my eye. I miss checking you out with the side of my eye.
I miss distracting you at the worst times, and they you distracted me all the time.
I miss getting to know the real you, which I was fortunate enough to occasionally get a glimpse of during our tenderest moments alone.
I miss how the most precious and fragile memories between us don't necessarily involve alcohol and/or huge mistakes that we'd eventually regret. but in the long run, do I really regret what I had with you? I'm not so sure anymore.
I miss seeing you mature and develop into your own adult self -- I miss telling myself how much I didn't want you because you were still at a stage that I'd far surpassed already, but I miss more figuring out that we're more likely right alongside one another in the journey, just on different paths.
I miss how we decided that what was between us wasn't that big of a deal, but whenever I would lay down to sleep at night, you were somehow always on my mind.
I miss praying for your security and direction in this life, and praying that somewhere in the grand scheme of things you had similar feelings for me too.
I miss 'the compulsory conversations' and how they would always end with us magically riding off into the sunset together and leaving all our problems behind us.
I miss never feeling residually angry, or resentful, or bitter, or otherwise negative towards you. I miss having that person in my life.
I miss being able to call you or text message you or e-mail you without feeling the way I do now.
but most importantly~
I miss you.

these words are my own. -- natasha bedingfield

* * * * *

When We Two Parted

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow—It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:—
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met—
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?—
With silence and tears.

-- Lord Byron

* * * * *

I Miss You

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head
I miss you...

-- Blink 182

* * * * *

let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. -- h.g. wells

What is karma?

Cause and effect. Whatsoever a man soweth, that he shall also reap. For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. There are a lot ways to describe karma, but it is essentially the belief that your present circumstances are the product of previous actions, and what you do today will affect what happens tomorrow. Karma is also associated with past lives -- each time you're reborn, the energies from your previous lives influence the conditions of your current life.

taken from astrology.com


* * * * *

Thursday, September 12, 2002 Dear Yahoo!:

What is karma?

Darija Clearwater, Florida

Dear Darija:

We meditated on this question for a little while, and then headed toward Yahoo!'s Hinduism and Buddhism categories. Once there, we found many sites willing to play guru and explain the doctrine of karma, a concept found in both religions. This Hindu primer sums up karma as the law of cause and effect. The principle is similar to that expressed by the Christian verse, "As ye sow, so shall ye reap." The word karma means action, and it's used as short-hand for the idea that every action you take causes a reaction in the future. Positive, caring actions will bring positive results back to you, whereas negative, hurtful actions will result in your suffering. Many people believe that both good and bad karma can return to you at any time, even after this lifetime. Hindus believe that the soul is immortal and is reborn in a new body after a person dies. Thus, you have an endless series of lives to work on your karma. In each life, you should strive to do good works and evolve spiritually so your next life will be better than this one. Hindus seek to eventually break free of the cycle of reincarnation and attain eternal bliss of the soul, called moksha. A god does not administer the law of karma. There is no cosmic judge who doles out punishments and rewards, although some suggest that there is a "cosmic accountant" who tracks each person's karma. Ultimately, each individual is responsible for his or her own actions and karma. Siddhartha Gautama, who became the Buddha and upon whose teachings all of Buddhism is based, was born into Hindu society and believed in the doctrine of karma. The Buddhist perspective on karma isn't very different than that of Hindus. Every action you take will have a repercussion in the future, and you have to live with the consequences of your actions. Most Buddhists believe in reincarnation, and their goal is to transcend constant birth and rebirth to achieve nirvana, similar to the Hindu moksha. Buddhism also places importance on the intent of one's actions. For example, if you accidentally step on a bug and kill it, you won't create bad karma. But if you purposefully kill it, you create bad karma. Likewise, if your actions unintentionally benefit others, you do not create good karma. Only when you mindfully do good, do you create good karma. * * * * * Karma's a Bitch "Your writing is like a sick addiction for me," someone once told me. A boy. I drank a lot and was mean to him. He stayed. I got him to agree to let me see other men while he had to remain faithful to me. He was loyal. He stayed. He loved me with an intensity I didn't understand so I didn't see it. I couldn't acknowledge or reciprocate that kind of love. I did a lot of heroin and fucked other guys. I remember being at a party with him and starting to feel queasy. I got him to let me use his car so that I could go downtown and score. I told him I'd meet him at home and that he would have to find a ride from someone. When I went into rehab for the 5th time -- that horrible county-run facility for people who have used up all their mental/chemical dependency coverage already; where they strip search you when they admit you and the nurse put on a plastic glove and saw me so terrified she couldn't go through with it -- he waited with me until they kicked him out, sitting next to me in a plastic chair holding my hand while thorazine zombies shuffled around us. When I came out of another hospital he waited for me with flowers. I broke up with him. He told someone "I had no idea it would hurt this much." taken from Allison, one of my newest inspirations and her journey

it's simply unbelievable to me the sheer power of the therapeutic mini vacation. it would be an out-and-out falsehood to declare that this sojourn hasn't been accompanied by its own set of melodrama and spontaneity, but I must admit that I feel a great deal better, much more relieved, about my own situation and the direness it inevitably brings.

this blog exists as it does not because I'm lazy, or because I lack original thought, or even because I am afraid of what comes out of my typing fingers and where that may eventually wind up. but it almost serves as a beacon of maturity for me, an almost-symbol of how far I have come, and how much, much more I truly have to go.

today I spent the day in Sacramento, much of it with my good buddy Colin Sueyres from Berkeley MUN. God, I miss that good man. he was the kindest soul today and took me around his office, the California capitol building, etc. in traditional pseudo-politician form he graciously introduced me to all who occupationally associated with him on the daily. I already fell in love with one of his co-workers. plus, I got to briefly peruse the 2006-2007 state budget summary, particularly the portions that primarily concern education. truly good times.

this little voyage of mine to the Bay Area is nearly coming to a close, but already I feel like I have done and seen plenty of things that I otherwise had been unable to experience either as an undergrad at Cal or a visitor with my brother and his friends. I like traveling alone; perhaps, however, this sentiment only ever truly reaches me when I am traveling somewhere safe and in the comforts of familiarity. i.e., the Bay Area, or Washington DC even. what if I were to be uprooted and dumped off in... let's say... Seattle? haha, I kid, I kid. that would be, in the words of Aristotle, freakin awesome.

if this time away from home has taught me anything, it has shown me just how functionally well-off I am up here. with amazing friends, a couple of organizations I still feel at home with, a few jobs and schools lined up left and right, places to comfortably live abound -- again, why didn't I just stay up here while I had the chance? sigh.

one more trip back to Making Waves to see all my children and pick up Porsha, then dinner, then the old work crew (Matty, Anne and Liz) is coming up for the weekend -- tonight's the only night we'll all have together up here. I don't know how I feel about that -- I love the crew, they have become my second family and support system through the rough 'n' tumble of the past month or so -- but I kind of feel like I took this mini-vacation to get myself away from all things Orange County, people included. not that I don't want to see them, because I very much miss them. but it's a strange feeling, quite inexplicable if I do say so myself...

on that note, I will leave with an AMAZING blog that I found surfing around on the 'net one day... I wish I could post the words that meant the most to me here, but the author requests that loyal fans don't do that. so, here's the link. read on, enjoy, take a random insight into yet another issue in my life that, although I myself cannot personally dwell on in a blog, my loyal fans can always conjecture about and partake in via the Girl with a one-track mind and her sentiments on friends and sex. she is a flipping genius, I tell you... I'm almost ashamed of my handle now. :o)

Main Entry: dop·pel·gäng·er
Variant(s): or dop·pel·gang·er /'dä-p&l-"ga[ng]-&r, -"ge[ng]-, "dä-p&l-'/
Function: noun
Etymology: German Doppelgänger, from doppel- double + -gänger goer
1 : a ghostly counterpart of a living person

doppelganger

Meaning "double walker" a doppelganger is a shadow-self that accompanies every human. Only the owner of a doppelganger can see it, otherwise it is invisible to human eyes. Dogs and cats have been known to see doppelgangers. Providing sympathetic company, a doppelganger almost always stands behind a person, and they cast no reflection in a mirror. They are prepared to listen and give advice to humans, either implanting ideas in their heads, or a sort of osmosis. It is said to be bad luck if it is seen, and rarely a doppelganger will make itself visible to friends or family, often causing great confusion. Doppelgangers can be mischievous and malicious.
http://webhome.idirect.com/~donlong/monsters/Html/Doppelga.htm

"What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
-- When Harry Met Sally

"Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship."
-- Reality Bites

"You know, it's not love but it's an awful lot like it."
-- A Lot Like Love

"You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them."
-- The Truth About Cats and Dogs

"Oh God, this is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool - and I'm failing 100%. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends. What do YOU think?"
-- Notting Hill

"You preach about waiting for love. Well, here it is, right in front of you, and you're going to turn your back on it. So that makes you a hypocrite."
-- Cruel Intentions

"Never take it seriously, you never get hurt. Never get hurt, you can always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends."
-- Almost Famous

"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
-- 10 Things I Hate About You

"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghosts... And so is he, he's in love with ghosts."
-- The English Patient

"After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you better think'em. Has a special fate been calling you and you not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you're not reading it? Is this your last, best chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?"
-- The Good Girl / Catcher in the Rye

Yo estaba bien por un tiempo,
volviendo a sonreír.
Luego anoche te vi
tu mano me tocó
y el saludo de tu voz.
Y hablé muy bien de tu
sin saber que he estado
llorando por tu amor.
Luego de tu adiós sentí todo mi dolor.
Sola y llorando,
llorando... llorando... llorando
No es fácil de entender
que al verte otra vez
Yo seguiré llorando

Yo que pensé que te olvidé
pero es verdad es la verdad
que te quiero aún más,
mucho más que ayer.
Dime tú qué puedo hacer
no me quieres ya
y siempre estaré
llorando por tu amor.
Tu amor se llevó
todo mi corazon
y quedo llorando
llorando... llorando... llorando
por tu amor.

-- Rebekah Del Rio

So here we are tonight,
you and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
what's on my mind
You've got me wild
turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
just for an evening
When we make
our passion pictures
You and me twist up
secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends
Go back to being friends
But tonight let's be lovers,
We kiss and sweat
We'll turn this better thing
to the best
Of all we can offer, Just a rogue kiss
Tangled tongues and lips,
See me this way
I'm turning and turning for you
Girl, just tonight

Float away here with me
An evening just wait and see
But tomorrow go back to your man
I'm back to my world
And we're back to being friends
Wait and see me,
Tonight let's do this thing
All we are is wasting hours
until the sun comes up it's all ours
On our way here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
Tonight let's be lovers, say you will
And hear me call, soft-spoken whispering love
A thing or two I have to say here
Tonight let's go all the way then
Love I'll see you,
Just for this evening
Let's strip down, trip out at this
One evening starts with a kiss
Run away

And tomorrow
back to being friends
Lovers...love...lovers
Just for tonight, one night...love you
And tomorrow say goodbye


-- Dave Matthews Band

A Dream within a Dream

Take this kiss upon thy brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, to deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-- Edgar Allan Poe

* * * * *

I Loved You Once

I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet;
For it would seem that love still lingers there;
But do not you be further troubled by it;
I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear.

I loved you without hope, a mute offender;
What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew!
A love as deep as this, as true, as tender,
God grant another may yet offer you.

-- Alexander Pushkin

Unhappiness has risen in the past decade

(taken from BBC News UK 3 January 2006)