if this is optimism, I'd rather be eternally pessimistic.
(title is referenced from previous post. get with the program people.)
it isn't that I am unhappy here in "the OC," but rather, dissatisfied seems to be the buzz word of the moment. there are the cornerstones of my existence, i.e. my best friend Martha and of course my wonderful family, but I don't feel that I belong here at all. for starters, moving back to Mission Viejo made me feel like I was regressing in my maturation as an adult. I felt that up north I finally became someone that I was content with -- the real me. whatever that means, I suppose. but whatever meaning you derive from that statement, just know that whoever I had become while in Berkeley, I really started to like. I had friends from all walks and talks of life and I truly was growing into my own.
then graduation happened, and I moved back here... and what happened? I have a loosely strung-together confederation of friends that I can barely call 'my core group.' that doesn't exist anymore. nobody experienced the same sense of retreat and reversal from college that I did. I was suddenly thrust into a world of southern California school-age education and I didn't like it. sure, I love my students, and always will -- those bonds that have been forged can never easily be brushed aside. but I don't have that central crew -- the young ladies and gentlemen that you depend upon when you just need an escape, or a good dirty laugh, or even just a hug. so the new friends (for the most part, definitely not all) turned out to be a bust. and what about the old friends? they've all moved on with their lives, grown up, shipped out, turned a new leaf called "adulthood." marriage, commitment to significant others and school obligations, geography, goals in life, and just overall maturity have served as fairly sufficient roadblocks to reestablishing that old "here's my peeps" mentality. even what I once considered a lifelong love for someone just isn't the same anymore.
I am thus forced to reevaluate: am I a bad friend? do I need to do some more growing up before I have the right to complain? has Dad's situation really put me in a kind of unapproachable funk? I dislike metacognitive discussion, but sometimes when you are in a hole you gotta do whatcha gotta do.
I'm not the kind of confrontational afterschool-special-character type person that can effectively and peacefully face these issues one-on-one. what am I supposed to say? "are you still my friend, 'cause it sure don't seem like it." "do I live too far for you to give me any consideration?" "are we so far removed from one another that we can't be friends again?" "am I comporting myself in some repulsive, embarrassing manner that is causing you to reject me?"
man, these questions are sad. I'm sad.
it isn't that I am unhappy here in "the OC," but rather, dissatisfied seems to be the buzz word of the moment. there are the cornerstones of my existence, i.e. my best friend Martha and of course my wonderful family, but I don't feel that I belong here at all. for starters, moving back to Mission Viejo made me feel like I was regressing in my maturation as an adult. I felt that up north I finally became someone that I was content with -- the real me. whatever that means, I suppose. but whatever meaning you derive from that statement, just know that whoever I had become while in Berkeley, I really started to like. I had friends from all walks and talks of life and I truly was growing into my own.
then graduation happened, and I moved back here... and what happened? I have a loosely strung-together confederation of friends that I can barely call 'my core group.' that doesn't exist anymore. nobody experienced the same sense of retreat and reversal from college that I did. I was suddenly thrust into a world of southern California school-age education and I didn't like it. sure, I love my students, and always will -- those bonds that have been forged can never easily be brushed aside. but I don't have that central crew -- the young ladies and gentlemen that you depend upon when you just need an escape, or a good dirty laugh, or even just a hug. so the new friends (for the most part, definitely not all) turned out to be a bust. and what about the old friends? they've all moved on with their lives, grown up, shipped out, turned a new leaf called "adulthood." marriage, commitment to significant others and school obligations, geography, goals in life, and just overall maturity have served as fairly sufficient roadblocks to reestablishing that old "here's my peeps" mentality. even what I once considered a lifelong love for someone just isn't the same anymore.
I am thus forced to reevaluate: am I a bad friend? do I need to do some more growing up before I have the right to complain? has Dad's situation really put me in a kind of unapproachable funk? I dislike metacognitive discussion, but sometimes when you are in a hole you gotta do whatcha gotta do.
I'm not the kind of confrontational afterschool-special-character type person that can effectively and peacefully face these issues one-on-one. what am I supposed to say? "are you still my friend, 'cause it sure don't seem like it." "do I live too far for you to give me any consideration?" "are we so far removed from one another that we can't be friends again?" "am I comporting myself in some repulsive, embarrassing manner that is causing you to reject me?"
man, these questions are sad. I'm sad.
posted by miss d at 1:10 AM
2 Comments:
people. people. please don't categorize me as uber-depressed, near-suicidal, perpetually unhappy, etc. I am so none of those things right now. not even close. I'm grateful to God that I'm alive and well, and that so are those close to me. it's just thinking out loud, people. don't be frightened. I'll be ok, and I probably still love you if you're reading this. that is all.
Wow!! I admire what you are and if I thought you were a good writer before now I know you are a great one. A new relationship brings deception but believe that after that deception and discovery things work themselves out. remember that one can see a person's genuine nature if we try to open ourselves to it. i am also going trhough a similar adjustment phase. keep ur head up high and KNOW that you can call me to simply ask for a hug. i'm here.
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