yay gym buddy!!

this morning, promptly after quitting my latest temp assignment (I worked a world record one day at that place), I met up with my gym buddy Krysta. it's always awesome to meet her at the gym. like I was telling Martha yesterday, I'm so unmotivated to get up early and do anything in the morning, let alone get to the gym. but it feels great to be accountable to someone. I found Krysta through Exercise Friends, this website I signed up for looooong ago when I had first considered giving weight loss a try. so even though this weekend set me completely off track in terms of regular gym-going, it was nice to meet up with my friend again this morning. :) Robyn text messaged me a little bit ago to see if I wanted to go to the gym after class (that would be about 10pm-ish). I said maaaybe. don't know if I am ready for 2 a days like Alex and KJ have done and been doing lately... craziness!

I'm taking Krysta to the salsa aerobics class in Laguna Hills that Candace and Pamela swear by tomorrow night. I keep forgetting that Krysta now goes to Cal State Long Beach and not Saddleback anymore. :( but thankfully she only has classes two days a week and they run all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I guess I'm the one now who has the more difficult schedule to accommodate :)

in the meantime, before I start any kind of job I am trying to motivate myself to start 2 a days. sigh. I just want to get a grasp of how hard school is going to be this semester. I am planning to spend a lot more time on campus in order to (a) avoid traffic as much as humanly possible, which didn't happen today cuz I fell asleep after lunch, and (b) actually DO my reading. sheesh. we'll see. hehe. :)

off track, and back on again.

although I have been just terrible this weekend about everything, I see two positives coming out of it: one, I know that I screwed up, I do feel bad about it and I am trying to see how I can avoid these lapses in the future; and two, I didn't eat as much as I usually am able to. it is starting to hurt more and more -- both in my stomach and migraine-like headaches -- when I eat too much, and I am growing more dependent upon the smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day, which is good. I have been drinking a RIDICULOUS amount of water, so that is always good. cigarette consumption, on the other hand, still not good. but I would really like to work on that... especially now that school is starting tomorrow :(

speaking of school starting, I can't write here too long right now. I want to get more pages of my scrapbook done before Martha and I take off for Disneyland later. it's like my last respite of the summer. and although I will be drinking in DCA (duh!), I will try my best not to eat disgustingly. :)

a new discovery, and not for the better.

I used to think I had enough willpower and mental fortitude to be able to get over anything, including stupid little stress slumps that make me too cerebral and not physical enough.

today I returned to my old middle school, my old stomping grounds, the hallowed area where I forged treasured relationships with students, staff and teachers alike, where I finally discovered my roots as a manager and organizer, motivator and team leader, educator and role model, all in one. what I was not prepared for was this onslaught of terrifyingly sad emotions... the quad area, the OCS courtyard, the horseshoe driveway... it all brought everything back to that fateful day, the last day I would ever be allowed to step foot on campus again. nobody to blame but myself. I didn't give a shit that I was fired. I did, however, give a shit that I was banned.

but it was great to see a couple of my girls again, and Anne, who had a job interview earlier in the day which hopefully went really well. and then of course there was Chi. what the fuck? I totally don't need friends like that right now. first it was Mark. now her? either she's not over what happened on New Years or she just flat out doesn't care to associate with me. either way, whatever. Dad has completely lost his strength and appetite. Grandma's gonna start dialysis in less than a month, and guess who has to go to class with her and take her however often her schedule permits? guess whose brother's health is so rapidly deteriorating that he can't even enjoy simply walking anymore? guess who has $13.72 in the checking account? guess who applied for 10 jobs last week and has NOT heard back from one? guess who hasn't passed enough of the math subject tests to get an intern credential? and guess who won't get her teaching credential if she can't pass the next CSET administration?

whose blog is this again?

so yeah, it helps to not surround myself with judgmental people. or even worse, people that you think are your friend, or even like a sister to you, only to have them turn their back on you because you happen to live in south Orange County instead of central or north. interesting.

I guess over the past weekend I have come to the understanding that if someone wants to be your friend, then consequently they care about you, and they will in some way shape or form show it. even if it is not on a consistent basis. people who fit the bill: Kevin. Porsha. David Liu. Peter Rich. my girls (the Weavers of Satirical Truth, you know who are bitches). and many, many others whom I have dearly taken for granted at times. but in seeing that I have surrounded myself with emotionally shallow and psychologically immature people (not ALL, mind you, but many fit the description, shall we say) who cannot handle the pressures of a friendship with me (and come on... is it really THAT bad people??), then, I say to you, good riddance!

what does this have to do with the diet, mind you? ah yes. anywho... I went completely off track this weekend and got too sneezy/allergy-ridden tonight to be able to get my ass out to the gym. then I was supposed to get out for some late night bowling with the crew, but again -- friends? I haven't been able to give some people a fair chance since I got back from Europe... and other people have really proven themselves to just out and out RAWK (that's for you, Miss Anne and Matty!!) unfortunately I couldn't stop sneezing for a good two hours so I tried to take some medication to knock my fat ass out. hence, no bowling and no gym. :( buuuut I promise I am going to work out tomorrow morning right after my job interview... yaaaaay (say it with me now, but with mooooore sarcasm). it isn't that I don't want to work, per se -- it's just the one job I applied for that I really didn't care to hear back from. oh well that makes no sense, but cosmically, trust me, it does.

day off! or two.

no I am not giving up... haha I know it's been like 48 hours...

but I went to the gym yesterday to meet Krysta (my fabulous, beautiful gym partner) but alas she has been starting up a jogging routine with her dad and I figured that she would still be sore/tired from it... and turns out she was. I even forgot my iPod, BOOOOO!! but I exerted slightly less effort on the elliptical, and actually lifted some weights, which felt great! -- although I am not sure I did enough, but it's ok for the first time in months...

today Alvin is off so I'm hanging out with him and resting up and we're probably gonna kick it and drink later tonite. tomorrow I am SO going back to the gym (either a class or just free cardio/weights again, we'll see what the mood strikes) before I conduct mass cleaning of my room. this weekend needs to be absolutely productive in terms of cleaning and finishing my summer masters project... hmm.

tomorrow is also Teresa's bday in Corona, so... haha I think they are having it catered by Buca di Beppo. evil evil evil!!! and, if her husband Ryan hasn't changed, and I'm sure he hasn't, drinks will be free flowing all night long. I'm kind of excited, but also kind of tentative about it all... diets just do not fit my socially active lifestyle... hehehehe ;)

24 Hour Fitness is my domestic abuser.

I loved being there, and it felt great... but now it hurts, and yet I still keep coming back for more. oh you evil evil organization. don't get me wrong -- it felt great to be back in the gym after an over two-month hiatus. but the one mistake I made was trying to get right back into good ol' HIIT just as I was before I left for Europe... baaaad idea. I guess I took for granted before how much HIIT cardio / spinning were really affecting my endurance and maximum intensity. I was only on the elliptical for 40 minutes and I started to feel dizzy towards the end. no bueno. before I left I could go for 60 minutes HIIT and no problem. ugh. back to square one I suppose.

I woke up a lot later today than I wanted. it's not like I actually have anything to do today, but I wanted to get an early start on the gym so I could work on some more job searching and perhaps start some of my Europe scrapbook. oh well. but I did make it to the gym... yay! 40 minutes total elliptical, the machine *says* I burned around 430 cals. not bad. I'm so used to the 500-600 range though. again, need to work back up there. before I went to the gym I had some Honey Bunches of Oats with 2% milk... jeez I love that stuff. it says it's a good source of whole grains but I am just hoping it is not an overload of crap sugar. when I returned from the gym I had two small slices of Mom's meat loaf (yay protein!), about 1/2 cup of white rice and a big ol' bowl of romaine hearts with 2 tbsps of my lovely lovely honey mustard dressing. I think I can go less on the dressing next time though.

I have been drinking water all day and I have to say that it feels pretty good :) -- also for the first time in a WHILE I did not smoke after the gym. not a bad start. I took advantage of going to the MV 24 Hr by also stopping by the Ranch Market to buy more veggies. I also read somewhere that drinking 1 tsp of apple cider vinegar diluted in 8 oz of water right before bed would be good to try. hmm, it can't hurt. I also invested in some cheap whole wheat pitas. mmm. I am debating whether or not I can wait until Christmas to buy Alvin his food processor...

starting here, starting now.

it is EXACTLY seven months until my 26th birthday, and I feel that I have managed to pinpoint the source of my growing unhappiness.

when I was younger I didn't really care about too much about my physique. I would not categorize the changes my body has undergone between my basketball days as a high school freshman and 10 years later as overtly dramatic. but I suppose this is a normal source of depression for young adults, particularly young women who find that they are more or less plagued by the desire to change something in their daily lives.

I can honestly assert two things about this major decision: (1) I still harbor no desire whatsoever to improve my appearance for any sort of external reasons; this means, simply, that I'm not doing what I need to do in order to please some raging desire in my heart to start dating again. that is not for me. I am perfectly happy being single. (well, maybe not perfectly, but you get the idea.) and of course, (2) I am well aware that this will entail a HUUUGE lifestyle change, but at the core of me I will not change who I am and what I love; what that means exactly is that I desperately need to learn moderation. more to follow on that statement.

hence, the dramatic renaming and refocus of this blog. (I considered keeping this as my personal blog, in addition to maintaining a trip blog as well as adding a physical blog, but I figure, if I need to make such a dramatic change in my life and habits, why not integrate?) I figure, I can't live my life without the internet, but I can't afford a fancy schmancy journal/food diary or whatever it is the kids use these days, so I chose this. it should suffice for the time being...

I have been doing some research on how to start a weight loss program (at least on the motivational aspect), and the first thing everyone says to do -- besides consult your doctor, which is not practical for me considering the non-existence of my health insurance -- is to take down all aspects of my starting point. so *sigh* as embarrassing as this may seem, here are the stats. (but no pictures, bitches. that's... well, too weird.)

Height: 68.75"
Weight*: 220 lbs
Bicep / Arm: 14"
Bust**: 38"
Upper Abdomen: 42.5"
Waist: 45"
Hips: 47.5"
Thigh: 27"

* this is according to our ghetto scale, which I suppose I will have to rely upon for the purposes of this home-based weight loss program. measured at doctors' offices I range from 210-215, but we're going for broke here.

** I measure under my chest, like a bra fitting, not like a dress fitting. how sad is that number anyway!

to be perfectly honest, seeing these numbers is depressing. (damn... I'm not even as tall as I thought I was! haha!) but, it's a requisite part of this change. I have not yet decided if I will post a food journal on here; maybe a loose summary of one will suffice, or maybe even a weekly food journal would be cool. we'll see.

Top Five Goals: Week 1

1. do NOT cut out the gym, for WHATEVER reason. dancing around at home and walking up and down the stairs twice instead of once doesn't count. I live literally like five minutes from my nearest 24 Hour Fitness. the next nearest one is maybe seven minutes.

2. drink more water. I'm not a big drinker (of water, that is)... and I have noticed how I fare much better whenever I consciously try to drink more. I need to have a bottle with me at all times.

3. cut back on the alcohol. particularly the beer... ouch. this one will be a toughie but I am determined NOT to TOTALLY cut it out of my diet. or if I do wind up in that situation, I just need to refer to #2.

4. limit myself to two cigs a day. again, I am not planning at this stage to go completely cold turkey... that would be unreasonable. but at least I can tame down the smoking.

and 5. MAINTAIN DISCIPLINE THROUGH THIS BLOG!! I'll be updating daily, with major sentiments/details every Wednesday, and new measurements probably every 3-4 weeks.

alright people... and here we go, starting here, starting now.

birth dates / keys to my heart (blogthings.)

Your Birthdate: March 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you. It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy! You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around. But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long. Your strength: Your superstar charisma Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you Your power color: Fuchsia Your power symbol: Diamond Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

if this is optimism, I'd rather be eternally pessimistic.

(title is referenced from previous post. get with the program people.)

it isn't that I am unhappy here in "the OC," but rather, dissatisfied seems to be the buzz word of the moment. there are the cornerstones of my existence, i.e. my best friend Martha and of course my wonderful family, but I don't feel that I belong here at all. for starters, moving back to Mission Viejo made me feel like I was regressing in my maturation as an adult. I felt that up north I finally became someone that I was content with -- the real me. whatever that means, I suppose. but whatever meaning you derive from that statement, just know that whoever I had become while in Berkeley, I really started to like. I had friends from all walks and talks of life and I truly was growing into my own.

then graduation happened, and I moved back here... and what happened? I have a loosely strung-together confederation of friends that I can barely call 'my core group.' that doesn't exist anymore. nobody experienced the same sense of retreat and reversal from college that I did. I was suddenly thrust into a world of southern California school-age education and I didn't like it. sure, I love my students, and always will -- those bonds that have been forged can never easily be brushed aside. but I don't have that central crew -- the young ladies and gentlemen that you depend upon when you just need an escape, or a good dirty laugh, or even just a hug. so the new friends (for the most part, definitely not all) turned out to be a bust. and what about the old friends? they've all moved on with their lives, grown up, shipped out, turned a new leaf called "adulthood." marriage, commitment to significant others and school obligations, geography, goals in life, and just overall maturity have served as fairly sufficient roadblocks to reestablishing that old "here's my peeps" mentality. even what I once considered a lifelong love for someone just isn't the same anymore.

I am thus forced to reevaluate: am I a bad friend? do I need to do some more growing up before I have the right to complain? has Dad's situation really put me in a kind of unapproachable funk? I dislike metacognitive discussion, but sometimes when you are in a hole you gotta do whatcha gotta do.

I'm not the kind of confrontational afterschool-special-character type person that can effectively and peacefully face these issues one-on-one. what am I supposed to say? "are you still my friend, 'cause it sure don't seem like it." "do I live too far for you to give me any consideration?" "are we so far removed from one another that we can't be friends again?" "am I comporting myself in some repulsive, embarrassing manner that is causing you to reject me?"

man, these questions are sad. I'm sad.